Congress vs. TikTok: Who’s Winning the Attention War in D.C.?

Washington D.C. is buzzing again—not because of a groundbreaking bill, but because Congress is trying to ban TikTok like it’s the villain in a Marvel movie. Except this villain doesn’t have superpowers; it just has better engagement metrics than your local senator.

The Real Reason Congress Hates TikTok

Lawmakers claim TikTok is a national security threat. Sure, because nothing screams “espionage” like a teenager lip-syncing Doja Cat in Bethesda. The truth? Congress hates TikTok because it’s winning the attention war. While senators are giving 12-hour filibusters to empty chambers, TikTok influencers are pulling in millions of views with a 15-second dance challenge. If democracy were a TikTok trend, it would have zero likes and a comment section full of “L ratio.”

According to https://www.pewresearch.orgPew Research, over 60% of U.S. teens use TikTok daily. Compare that to Congress’s approval rating, which is hovering somewhere between “meh” and “please stop.” If attention is power, TikTok is basically the DMV’s new Capitol Hill.

Filibusters vs. Dance Challenges

Picture this: Chuck Schumer spends hours debating the debt ceiling while a TikTok creator in Arlington posts a lip-sync and gets 3 million likes before lunch. Democracy is losing the attention war, folks. If Congress wants to compete, they need to start doing thirst traps during hearings. Imagine Mitch McConnell hitting a TikTok trend while voting on infrastructure. That’s bipartisan content.

C-SPAN is basically TikTok for people who hate fun. It’s vertical video, it’s live, and it’s mostly people doing nothing. Congress is already halfway there. Just add trending sounds and captions like “POV: You’re watching democracy crumble.” Viral in seconds.

Lobbyists Are Learning TikTok Slang

Lobbyists are now hiring social media consultants to explain TikTok slang. One senator reportedly asked, “What’s an NPC stream?” The answer: “Sir, it’s basically what you’ve been doing during every committee meeting.” Another asked, “What’s a thirst trap?” and the consultant replied, “It’s what your campaign photo should have been.”

What Happens If TikTok Gets Banned in the DMV?

If TikTok disappears, expect chaos at brunch spots in D.C. Influencers will flood Instagram, and suddenly every rooftop bar in Navy Yard will look like a LinkedIn networking event. Arlington coffee shops will become therapy groups for creators mourning their lost algorithm. And Georgetown boutiques? Prepare for influencers crying into overpriced lattes while whispering, “I used to be somebody.”

Meanwhile, Congress will celebrate like they just saved democracy. Spoiler: They didn’t. They just made teenagers angry, and if history has taught us anything, angry teenagers are how revolutions start. Or at least how really aggressive TikTok clones get invented.

The Punchline

If Congress really wants to beat TikTok, they should embrace the platform. Forget C-SPAN—stream hearings on TikTok Live. Add trending sounds to budget debates. Throw in a dance challenge during the State of the Union. Democracy might finally go viral. Until then, Congress will keep losing the attention war to a teenager in Bethesda with a ring light and a dream.

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