Founding Fathers vs. the Two-Party System: The Original Political Roast

By Nkahoot Comedy Desk | Washington D.C. Edition

Intro: When George Washington Dropped the Mic

Before TikTok, before Twitter beefs, before Congress turned into a live-action version of “Real Housewives of Capitol Hill,” there was George Washington. And in his farewell address, he basically said: “Hey America, maybe don’t split into political gangs and ruin everything.”

Fast forward 230 years and we’re out here treating political parties like sports teams. Red vs. Blue. Donkeys vs. Elephants. It’s like Pokémon, but with more filibusters and fewer fireballs. And in the DMV, it’s not just politics—it’s brunch conversation, Uber rides, and awkward elevator silence at federal buildings.

George Washington: The OG Anti-Partisan

Let’s start with the man himself. In 1796, George Washington warned that political factions would lead to “the alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge.” Translation: “Y’all gonna be petty.”

He basically predicted cable news, Twitter wars, and that one uncle who ruins Thanksgiving with his hot takes. If Washington were alive today, he’d be ghostwriting for The Onion and rage-scrolling through Nextdoor in Alexandria.

John Adams: The Guy Who Invented Political Anxiety

Adams wasn’t exactly chill about the two-party system either. He said, “There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties.”

And this was before Facebook comment sections. Imagine how stressed he’d be now. He’d be mainlining chamomile tea and rage-tweeting from a burner account called @FederalistFury. In today’s terms, Adams would be the guy yelling at a Metro driver because the train skipped Judiciary Square.

Thomas Jefferson: Flip-Flopper Extraordinaire

Jefferson started off anti-party, then founded the Democratic-Republican Party. That’s like saying “I hate drama” and then starting a podcast called “DMV Drama Hour.”

He believed parties were dangerous but also necessary to check power. So basically, he was the political version of “I hate group projects, but I’ll lead it.” If Jefferson were around today, he’d be running a think tank in Georgetown and ghosting bipartisan happy hours.

Alexander Hamilton: The Original Twitter Troll

Hamilton loved a good fight. He was like the guy who shows up to a PTA meeting with a PowerPoint and a grudge. He helped create the Federalist Party and beefed with Jefferson like it was a rap battle.

But even he knew that unchecked partisanship could wreck the republic. He just wanted to win first. Classic DMV energy: argue now, regret later. Hamilton today? He’d be hosting a YouTube channel called “Founding Factions” and selling merch at Union Market.

Fast Forward: Welcome to the Political Hunger Games

Today, the two-party system is less about ideas and more about vibes. You’re either Team Red or Team Blue. No nuance. No middle ground. Just memes, outrage, and campaign ads that feel like horror movie trailers.

Seriously, political ads in the DMV are like Super Bowl commercials—but instead of beer and puppies, it’s “This candidate wants to steal your grandma’s Medicare and turn her house into a crypto mine.”

And don’t forget the mailers. Every October, your mailbox turns into a political haunted house. Flyers with dramatic fonts, grayscale photos, and quotes like “He voted against puppies.”

What the Founders Would Say Today

• Washington: “I told y’all. Now I’m haunting C-SPAN.”
• Adams: “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
• Jefferson: “Can we talk about my wine collection instead?”
• Hamilton: “Drop the beat, I’ve got bars for Congress.”

They’d probably all be on a group text called “Founding Ghosts” roasting modern politics and sending memes of Ben Franklin in sunglasses.

DMV Takeaway: We’re All in This Mess Together

In the DMV area—where politics is basically a sport—we see the effects of division daily. From shutdowns to scandals, the two-party system has turned governance into a gladiator match. And the Founding Fathers? They’re rolling in their powdered wigs.

In D.C., you can’t throw a brunch mimosa without hitting someone who works in policy. And every Uber ride turns into a TED Talk on gerrymandering. It’s exhausting. Even the pandas at the National Zoo are like, “Can y’all chill?”

Final Thought: Can We Unsubscribe from the Drama?

The Founders didn’t want us to be divided. They wanted debate, not destruction. So next time you’re doomscrolling through political chaos, remember: George Washington tried to warn us. And we ghosted him like a bad Tinder date.

Let’s do better, DMV. Or at least let’s make the dysfunction funny. Because if democracy’s going to be a circus, we might as well sell popcorn.