🗺️ “Draw Me Like One of Your Gerrymanders”

In a move that surprised no one and disappointed everyone who still believes in representative democracy, the Texas House has approved a new congressional map that’s so gerrymandered, it looks like it was drawn by a caffeinated toddler with a crayon and a MAGA hat.

According to reports, the map heavily favors Republicans in the 2026 midterms and was allegedly “inspired” by Donald Trump himself—because nothing says “fair representation” like a man who once tried to buy Greenland.

🧠 What Is Gerrymandering, Anyway?

For the uninitiated, gerrymandering is the political art of drawing voting districts so creatively that Picasso would say, “Tone it down.” It’s when politicians pick their voters instead of voters picking their politicians. It’s democracy’s version of rigging the claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese.

• Urban areas like Austin and Houston are split into multiple districts to dilute Democratic votes.
• Rural areas are stitched together like a patchwork quilt of cornfields and conspiracy theories.
• One district allegedly resembles Trump’s hair swirl. Coincidence? We think not.

🗳️ DMV Watching Like 👀

Here in the DMV (that’s D.C., Maryland, and Virginia—not the place where dreams go to die while waiting for a license renewal), we know a thing or two about redistricting drama.

Maryland’s maps have been called “Democratic origami,” while Virginia’s redistricting commission collapsed faster than a folding chair at a family reunion. So when Texas goes full “Etch-a-Sketch with a MAGA twist,” it’s not just a southern spectacle—it’s a warning shot.

🧂 Late-Night Style Jokes

• Texas Republicans passed a new congressional map that favors the GOP. It’s so gerrymandered, one district includes a Buc-ee’s, a Whataburger, and Ted Cruz’s ego.
• The map was allegedly inspired by Trump. Which makes sense—it’s full of twists, turns, and zero regard for reality.
• One district is so oddly shaped, Google Maps asked, “Are you sure?”
• Democrats in Texas said the map was unfair. Republicans said, “We prefer the term ‘strategically patriotic.’”
• The new map is expected to help Republicans win more seats in 2026. And possibly a free sandwich at Chick-fil-A if they show their voter ID.

🏛️ Trump’s Alleged Role: The District Whisperer

While Trump hasn’t officially taken credit, insiders say the map aligns with his “preferred outcomes.” Which is like saying your dog didn’t eat your homework, but it’s covered in slobber and smells like Milk-Bones.

If true, this marks a new era of political cartography: maps drawn not by census data, but by vibes, vendettas, and vaguely worded Truth Social posts.

🧩 The Real Impact

The new map could significantly shift the balance of power in Texas, giving Republicans a disproportionate number of seats compared to their share of the vote. It’s like showing up to a potluck with one cookie and leaving with the entire casserole dish.

Voting rights advocates are already preparing legal challenges, but in Texas, lawsuits against gerrymandering are like trying to lasso a tornado—technically possible, but mostly just exhausting.

📢 Final Thoughts

Texas has officially entered the Gerrymandering Olympics, and they’re going for gold. Whether this map survives legal scrutiny or not, it’s a reminder that democracy isn’t just about voting—it’s about who gets to draw the lines.

So next time someone says your vote doesn’t matter, remind them: it does. Especially when someone’s trying this hard to make sure it doesn’t.