🛡️ Safety First... Unless You’re on a Budget

Let’s talk about Twitter—or “X,” if you’re into dystopian branding. Back in 2023, they introduced premium tiers that included encrypted DMs and SMS-based two-factor authentication. The catch? You had to subscribe to Twitter Blue. Because nothing says “we care about your safety” like a $7.99 monthly fee and a blue checkmark that means absolutely nothing.

Meanwhile, Meta quietly ended its partnership with U.S. fact-checkers in early 2025, including FactCheck.org[1](https://www.factcheck.org/2025/01/our-partnership-with-meta-is-ending/). Not a direct fee, but a clear signal: “We’re not paying for your truth anymore.”

🧾 The Receipts: Who’s Charging for Safety?

• Meta (Facebook & Instagram): Fact-checking? Gone. Privacy settings? Still confusing. Safety? Optional.
• Twitter/X: Pay-to-protect model with security features locked behind a subscription.
• Google Workspace & Microsoft 365: Enterprise-level security only available if you upgrade. Translation: your small business in Bethesda gets basic protection unless you cough up for the deluxe plan.

📊 What Do Users Think?

According to Google Trends, search interest in “data privacy” and “free online security tools” has surged in 2025/trends.google.com/trends/explore?date=today%205-y&geo=US&q=data%20privacy). Translation: users want safety baked in—not served à la carte like overpriced guacamole at a DC rooftop bar.

🤡 The Absurdity of It All

Let’s break this down with some comedic clarity:

• Imagine if Gmail said, “Spam filter? That’s $4.99/month.”
• Or if Zoom charged extra to keep your meetings from being Zoombombed by a guy in a horse mask.
• Or if LinkedIn offered “Premium Privacy” so recruiters couldn’t stalk your profile unless they paid.

It’s like selling umbrellas during a hurricane. Sure, it’s profitable—but it’s also kind of evil.

🔥 The Backlash Is Real

Consumers aren’t just mad—they’re mobilizing. Here’s how:

• Browser Extensions: DuckDuckGo and Brave are gaining traction for offering built-in privacy without charging a dime.
• Legislation: Lawmakers in the DMV are starting to question whether platforms should be allowed to monetize safety. Expect more hearings, especially with TikTok still under scrutiny for national security concerns[3](https://www.factcheck.org/2025/02/tiktok-and-u-s-national-security/).
• Public Shaming: Nothing motivates change like a viral post calling out a company for charging extra to not get hacked.

💡 What Should Platforms Do Instead?

1. Make Security a Standard, Not a Perk: If your platform handles user data, security should be non-negotiable. Like air in a hotel room. Or fries with a burger.
2. Be Transparent About Data Practices: Users shouldn’t need a law degree from American University to understand your privacy policy. Keep it simple: what you collect, why you collect it, and how you protect it.
3. Invest in Ethical Tech: Instead of spending billions on AI that can write poetry, maybe invest in AI that can detect phishing scams or block deepfakes.

🧠 Final Thoughts: Safety Shouldn’t Be a Luxury Item

Charging for security is like charging for fire exits. It’s unethical, unpopular, and ultimately unsustainable. Platforms need to stop treating safety like a side hustle and start treating it like a core responsibility.

Because in the digital age, your password shouldn’t be the only thing standing between you and chaos—and it definitely shouldn’t cost extra.

📣 Call to Action for Comedy Writers & Bloggers

Want to punch up this topic for your next sketch or blog?

• Sketch Idea: “The Subscription Safety Store” – a parody of a tech shop where everything from antivirus to seatbelts is behind a paywall.
• Segment Title: “Paywall Panic” – a recurring blog segment that mocks the absurdity of monetized safety.
• Joke Angle: “I tried to enable two-factor authentication, but it asked for my credit card. I guess my identity isn’t worth protecting unless I’m rich.”