The Lawsuit That Never Was (But Should’ve Been)

In the latest episode of “Wait, What Did I Just Read?”, the internet briefly lost its collective mind over a headline claiming Mark Zuckerberg sued himself. That’s right—Zuck vs. Zuck. The ultimate boss battle. The final form of corporate accountability.

Why the Headline Worked (And Why It’s Hilarious)

• Meta’s reputation for privacy scandals
• Zuckerberg’s robotic public persona
• The absurdity of tech culture

Imagining the Courtroom: Zuck v. Zuck

Case Title: Zuckerberg v. Zuckerberg
Court: United States District Court for the Northern District of Existential Crisis

Allegations

• Violation of personal privacy
• Emotional distress
• Unlawful data harvesting

Defense

• Clicked “Accept All Cookies” in 2004
• Claims lawsuit is a distraction

Witnesses Called to the Stand

• Sheryl Sandberg
• The Facebook Algorithm
• Hologram of Steve Jobs

The Judge: ChatGPT-9000

“Let’s circle back and unpack the synergy between the plaintiff and the defendant. Also, have you tried ayahuasca?”

The Fallout: Meta Stock Reacts

• #ZuckOnZuckCrime
• #MetaMeltdown
• #SueTheMirror

The Real Meta Drama

Meta has faced real lawsuits over antitrust, privacy, and misinformation—but never against itself.

Expert Analysis: The Psychology of Self-Suing

“Zuckerberg suing himself is the logical outcome of a man who built a digital universe, populated it with avatars, and still couldn’t find someone to disagree with him.”

Closing Arguments

“I built the Metaverse to escape reality. I didn’t expect reality to sue me.”

Final Thoughts

This satire works because it exaggerates the self-referential nature of tech culture. Sometimes, the only person left to sue… is yourself.

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