🎬 Opening Scene: The $100K Ramen Diet

Let’s set the stage. You’re 18, full of dreams, and someone just told you that the only way to succeed in life is to spend four years learning about 18th-century French poetry while surviving on instant noodles and existential dread.

Welcome to college in America.

In 2025, the average cost of a four-year degree at a private university hovers around $60,000–$80,000 per year. Public universities? Still pricey, with in-state tuition averaging $11,000–$15,000 annually, not including housing, books, or emotional therapy.

📊 The ROI Breakdown: Return on Investment or Return to Your Parents’ Basement?

Let’s talk ROI—Return on Investment. Because if college were a startup, most graduates would be filing for bankruptcy.

According to the Federal Reserve, the average student loan debt in 2025 is \$39,000. While some degrees (engineering, computer science, nursing) offer solid returns, others—like philosophy or interpretive dance—offer returns in the form of “personal growth” and “the ability to cry in three languages.”

• STEM majors: $65,000–$90,000 starting salaries
• Humanities majors: $35,000–$45,000
• Theater majors: Paid in “exposure” and pizza

🧠 Learning Outcomes: Are We Smarter or Just Better at Pretending?

A 2023 study by the American Council on Education found that 40% of college graduates struggle with basic critical thinking. Translation: They can write a 10-page paper on Kafka’s symbolism but can’t figure out how to cancel a gym membership.

Group projects? College teaches you how to do 100% of the work while someone else gets 100% of the credit.

💸 The Tuition Inflation Olympics

College tuition has outpaced inflation for decades. If tuition were a stock, Warren Buffett would’ve bought Harvard in 1997.

Why is it so expensive?

• Administrative bloat: More assistant deans than students
• Luxury amenities: Sushi bars, climbing walls, dorms with flat screens
• Marketing budgets: Millions spent convincing you their squirrels are friendlier

🏫 Alternatives: Trade Schools, Online Learning, and the YouTube MBA

In 2025, alternatives to traditional college are booming:

• Trade schools: High-paying jobs without the debt
• Online certifications: Coursera, edX, Google Career Certificates
• YouTube MBA: Learn business from Brad in a van who sells NFTs

These options are cheaper, faster, and often more relevant to today’s job market. Plus, no thesis on TikTok symbolism required.

🧾 The Political Punchline: Everyone’s Got a Plan

Politicians love talking about college costs—especially during election season.

• Push for free community college (great idea, if you can find parking)
• Calls to cancel student debt (free burrito after you’ve eaten the bill)
• Suggestions to dismantle the Department of Education (because nothing says “fix the system” like setting it on fire)

🤹 The Real Lesson: College Teaches You How to Juggle

Not balls. Not flaming torches. But:

• Debt
• Unrealistic expectations
• The crushing weight of your parents’ hopes and dreams

College teaches you how to navigate bureaucracy, survive on caffeine, and pretend you understand Derrida.

🧭 Final Thoughts: Is It Worth It?

Here’s the truth: College can be worth it. But it depends on:

• Your major
• Your financial situation
• Your ability to network like a LinkedIn influencer on Red Bull

For some, it’s a golden ticket. For others, it’s a very expensive nap.

📌 TL;DR Summary

• College costs are sky-high in 2025, with questionable ROI for many majors.
• Student debt averages $39K, with some grads earning less than their monthly loan payments.
• Learning outcomes are mixed; critical thinking is often MIA.
• Trade schools and online learning are viable, growing alternatives.
• Politicians are still arguing about how to fix it—while students keep paying the price.