Meta’s New AI Tools: Making Work Feel Like a TED Talk You Didn’t Ask For

Meta just launched a suite of AI-powered workplace tools designed to “revolutionize productivity,” which is corporate speak for “we’re replacing your job with a chatbot that never takes lunch breaks.”

What’s in the Toolbox?

• MetaMemo: Automatically generates meeting notes, even if the meeting was just a Slack thread about lunch.
• AutoApology: Drafts HR-safe apologies for when you accidentally reply-all with a meme.
• BuzzwordBot: Injects phrases like “synergy,” “pivot,” and “scalable” into your emails so you sound like a LinkedIn influencer.

According to Meta, these tools will “empower teams to collaborate more efficiently.” Translation: You’ll spend less time working and more time pretending to work while AI does the pretending for you.

DMV Office Reactions

In Washington D.C., one nonprofit replaced its entire grant-writing team with MetaMemo and saw a 300% increase in passive-aggressive footnotes. In Arlington, a startup used AutoApology to fire someone with a haiku. And in Silver Spring, BuzzwordBot was elected team lead after writing a deck titled “Leveraging Synergy to Pivot Scalable Solutions.”

Final Thoughts

Meta’s AI workplace tools are here to help you do less while sounding like you’re doing more. If you’ve ever wanted to outsource your soul-crushing inbox to a robot with a thesaurus, congratulations—your dystopia has arrived.