Neuralink Human Trials: Finally, a Way to Ghost People With Your Mind

Elon Musk’s brain-chip company Neuralink has officially begun human trials, and guess what? A few brave souls in the DMV have volunteered to become cyborgs. Because if you’ve ever tried to survive rush hour on I-495, you know your brain could use an upgrade.

What Is Neuralink?

It’s a coin-sized chip implanted in your skull that lets you control devices with your thoughts. Basically, it’s like telepathy, but with more firmware updates and fewer wizards.

DMV Volunteers Speak Out

• One guy in Alexandria said, “I just want to mute my boss with a blink.”
• A woman in D.C. hopes to use it to scroll TikTok during congressional hearings.
• Someone in Rockville asked if it could help them remember where they parked at Montgomery Mall. (Spoiler: It can’t.)

Neuralink promises to help people with paralysis, memory loss, and even depression. But let’s be honest—most DMV residents just want to skip typing “u up?” ever again.

Potential Side Effects

According to early reports, side effects may include spontaneous Bluetooth pairing with nearby Teslas, accidentally ordering 12 pizzas via brainwave, and becoming the unwilling star of a Reddit thread titled “My Chip Made Me Cry During Jury Duty.”

Final Thoughts

Neuralink is either the future of humanity or the beginning of a sci-fi horror movie set in Bethesda. Either way, if you’re tired of using your thumbs like a caveman, Elon’s got a chip for that.