33,000 Epstein Files Later, Congressman Declares DOJ Untrustworthy — America’s Favorite Soap Opera Continues

A U.S. Congressman says the DOJ can't be trusted after dropping 33,000 pages of Epstein-related documents. We unpack the scandal with sarcasm, satire, and a whole lot of paper jokes.

📚 Chapter One: The Great Paper Dump

The DOJ just released 33,000 pages of Epstein-related files. That’s not transparency—that’s a literary avalanche. If you stacked those pages, they’d be taller than the moral high ground Congress keeps trying to climb.

🕵️‍♂️ Chapter Two: Trust Issues, But Make It Federal

Trusting the DOJ with Epstein files is like trusting your cat to babysit your goldfish. Sure, they’re technically in the same room, but one of them has a history of making things disappear.

📦 Chapter Three: What’s in the Box?

• Pages 1–5000: Flight logs, probably written in Comic Sans.
• Pages 5001–10,000: Names redacted so hard they look like modern art.
• Pages 10,001–20,000: Emails that start with “Hey Jeff, got any plans for the island?”
• Pages 20,001–30,000: Legal disclaimers, NDAs, and one very suspicious pizza order.
• Pages 30,001–33,000: A treasure map, a Sudoku puzzle, and a note that says “Burn after reading.”

🧠 Chapter Four: Conspiracy Buffet

This document dump is a conspiracy theorist’s Golden Corral. You’ve got everything: government cover-ups, billionaire misbehavior, mysterious deaths, and now, a Congressman yelling “I don’t trust the DOJ!” like he just found out his Tinder date was a Russian bot.

🗳️ Chapter Five: Congressional Karaoke

Congressional statements are starting to sound like open mic night at a conspiracy comedy club. “DOJ can’t be trusted!” “FBI is compromised!” “Aliens are real and they work at the DMV!”

📉 Chapter Six: DOJ’s PR Strategy (Or Lack Thereof)

When you drop 33,000 pages and don’t offer a summary, you’re basically saying, “Good luck, America. Hope you brought snacks.” It’s like handing someone a phone book and saying, “Your soulmate’s in here somewhere.”

🧻 Chapter Seven: The Paper Trail Nobody Asked For

33,000 pages is so much paper, it could single-handedly revive the fax machine industry. Somewhere, a Xerox machine is crying.

🧨 Chapter Eight: What Happens Next?

Spoiler alert: probably nothing. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that scandals involving billionaires and government agencies tend to end with a shrug and a Netflix documentary.

🎬 Final Scene: America’s Favorite Soap Opera

The DOJ’s document dump is less of a transparency effort and more of a “choose your own conspiracy” adventure. And the Congressman’s distrust? It’s the cherry on top of a very suspicious sundae.