Lab-Grown Chicken Approved in the DMV: Because Who Needs Farms When You Have Wi-Fi?

The FDA just gave the green light to lab-grown chicken in the DMV, and suddenly your next chicken sandwich might come with a side of existential crisis. That’s right—no feathers, no beaks, just science meat grown in a tank that looks like it belongs in a Marvel origin story.

What Is It?

Lab-grown chicken is real chicken, just without the clucking. It’s made from cultured animal cells in a bioreactor, which is basically a Crock-Pot for science. The result? Chicken that never crossed the road because it was never born.

DMV Taste Testers React

• In D.C., a food truck served it as “Postmodern Poultry” and charged $18 for a slider.
• In Arlington, a man said, “It tastes like chicken, but with a hint of Wi-Fi.”
• In Silver Spring, someone asked if it was vegan. (It’s not. But it is vibe-friendly.)

Supporters say it’s better for the environment, reduces animal cruelty, and might finally make chicken wings affordable again. Critics say it’s unnatural, weird, and probably the first step toward eating cloned pandas.

Health & Safety

The FDA says it’s safe, but let’s be honest—so was margarine, and look how that turned out. Still, early adopters are excited, especially in the DMV where brunch menus are already adding “sci-chick” to their bottomless mimosa lineups.

Final Thoughts

Lab-grown chicken is here, and it’s weirdly delicious. If you’re in the DMV and want to eat meat without the guilt—or the feathers—this might be your moment. Just don’t ask where it came from. Ask where it’s going. (Answer: probably your air fryer.)