🧠 Overview: Week 3, Where Logic Goes to Die

Week 3 is when the NFL stops pretending to be predictable and starts acting like a reality show. Coaches gamble like they’re in Vegas, kickers miss like they’re allergic to accuracy, and fans scream like they just found out their team traded for Zach Wilson.

🧨 Game Recaps: The Good, The Bad, and The Bears

🐬 Dolphins 38, 🛡️ Jets 13

Tua Tagovailoa threw for 4 TDs and zero apologies. Zach Wilson, meanwhile, threw two picks and one tantrum. Jets fans are now legally allowed to sue for emotional distress.

🦁 Lions 31, 🐻 Bears 10

Jared Goff played like he was possessed by Tom Brady’s ghost. The Bears offense was so bad, their playbook is now being used as a sleep aid.

🦅 Eagles 27, ⭐ Cowboys 24

Jalen Hurts ran like he owed someone money. Dak Prescott threw two touchdowns and one existential crisis. The Cowboys missed a field goal so wide it registered to vote in Texas.

🐏 Rams 20, 🐆 Jaguars 17

Trevor Lawrence threw a pick so bad it got booed by his own fantasy team. Stafford remembered Cooper Kupp exists and threw him the ball like it was a love letter.

🧀 Packers 21, 🐦 Falcons 23

Jordan Love threw a game-winning interception—if you’re an Atlanta fan. Younghoe Koo nailed a 55-yarder like he was trying to impress Taylor Swift.

🪖 Commanders 17, 🐅 Bengals 30

Sam Howell spent most of the game running for his life while the Commanders’ defense played like they were auditioning for a role in The Invisible Man. Joe Burrow, still recovering from a calf injury, looked like he was playing Madden on rookie mode.

• Howell threw 2 TDs and 2 INTs, which is basically the NFL version of “I tried.”
• Chase Young recorded one sack and three motivational speeches.
• Ron Rivera challenged a play that wasn’t reviewable, just to feel something.

📊 NFC East Standings

📈 NFC East Power Rankings

Team                  | Power Score (Win% + Point Diff)
----------------------|-------------------------------
Philadelphia Eagles   | █████████████████████ 96
Dallas Cowboys        | ██████████████████     88
Washington Commanders | ███████████            72
New York Giants       | █████████              68
    

📊 AFC Standings Snapshot

📈 AFC Power Rankings

Team               | Power Score (Win% + Point Diff)
-------------------|-------------------------------
Miami Dolphins     | ██████████████████████ 98
Buffalo Bills      | ████████████████       85
Kansas City Chiefs | ███████████████        83
Baltimore Ravens   | █████████████          78
    

🏆 Fantasy Football MVPs

• Tua Tagovailoa – 4 TDs, 350+ yards, and a restraining order from the Jets secondary.
• Amon-Ra St. Brown – 2 TDs, 120 yards, and a new nickname: “Fantasy Daddy.”
• Jalen Hurts – 3 total TDs and one broken ankle (not his—he juked a linebacker into retirement).
• Sam Howell – 2 TDs, 2 INTs, and one existential crisis. Fantasy owners are calling him “Diet Baker Mayfield.”

🧊 Cold Takes That Aged Like Milk

• “Zach Wilson is ready to lead.”
• “The Bears defense is elite.”
• “Ron Rivera is a clock management wizard.”
• “Washington will win the NFC East.”

Spoiler: They’re currently winning the race to mediocrity.

🧠 What We Learned in Week 3

• The Dolphins are terrifying.
• The Jets are legally classified as a comedy troupe.
• The Bears need a hug.
• The Cowboys need a therapist.
• The Commanders need a new playbook and possibly a priest.
• Fantasy football is a gateway to emotional instability.