Ted Cruz, Donald Trump & Jimmy Kimmel: The Roast That Never Was
Excerpt: Despite Donald Trump’s ongoing feud with Jimmy Kimmel, Ted Cruz has remained conspicuously silent in 2025. This satirical essay explores Cruz’s strategic non-response, the political dynamics behind it, and imagines what might happen if Cruz ever stepped into the late-night spotlight.
🧭 Overview: The Setup Nobody Scripted
In the great American tradition of political beefs, the triangle of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and Jimmy Kimmel is the kind of drama that should come with popcorn and a waiver. Trump’s been throwing shade at Kimmel like it’s a White House lawn party, Kimmel’s been roasting Trump like he’s the Thanksgiving turkey, and Cruz? Cruz is doing what Cruz does best—dodging the spotlight like it owes him money.
As of September 2025, Ted Cruz has made no public comment about Donald Trump’s remarks on Jimmy Kimmel. That’s right. No tweets, no interviews, not even a passive-aggressive podcast episode. Just silence. And in politics, silence is louder than a filibuster during a power outage.
🎬 Act I: Trump vs. Kimmel – The Roast Battle Continues
Let’s start with the obvious: Donald Trump and Jimmy Kimmel have been feuding for years. Trump has called Kimmel everything from “a disgrace to comedy” to “a puppet of the radical left.” Kimmel, in return, has turned Trump into a recurring punchline, roasting everything from his spelling errors to his tanning habits.
In 2025, Trump’s latest jab at Kimmel—calling him “a washed-up clown who couldn’t host a bake sale”—made headlines, trended on X (formerly Twitter), and gave Kimmel enough material for a week’s worth of monologues. And while the internet waited for Cruz to chime in, he was busy doing... well, not that.
🧍♂️ Act II: Ted Cruz – The Man, The Beard, The Bystander
Ted Cruz’s political strategy in 2025 can be summed up in three words: strategic non-engagement. He’s not picking fights, he’s not taking sides, and he’s definitely not jumping into a roast battle between Trump and Kimmel. Why?
- He’s Playing the Long Game: Cruz is likely eyeing a 2028 presidential run. Engaging in a late-night feud doesn’t exactly scream “Commander-in-Chief.” It screams “guest star on a segment called ‘Senators Who Can’t Dunk.’”
- He’s Avoiding MAGA Landmines: Trump’s base is still strong. Cruz knows that criticizing Trump—even indirectly—could alienate voters he’ll need in the future. So instead of throwing punches, he’s throwing constitutional quotes.
- He’s Focused on Project 2025: Project 2025 is a conservative blueprint to reshape the federal government. Trump claims he knows nothing about it, but it’s tied to his allies. Cruz hasn’t endorsed it, but he’s also not condemning it. It’s like watching someone compliment a casserole they secretly hate.
🎤 Act III: If Cruz Did Respond on Jimmy Kimmel Live…
Let’s imagine a world where Ted Cruz actually showed up on Jimmy Kimmel Live to respond to Trump’s latest jab. Here’s how that might go:
Kimmel: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the senator from Texas, the man who once lost a basketball game to me and still hasn’t forgiven himself—Ted Cruz!”
Cruz: “Thanks, Jimmy. I came here to talk about constitutional integrity, but I see you’re still obsessed with my jump shot.”
Kimmel: “Ted, Trump called me a clown. Thoughts?”
Cruz: “Well, Jimmy, I believe in the First Amendment. Even if it’s used to insult comedians, senators, or the English language.”
Audience: *Applause. One guy yells “Zodiac!”*
🧠 Perspectives: Why Cruz’s Silence Matters
Cruz’s silence isn’t just a lack of comment—it’s a political strategy. Here’s what it tells us:
- He’s prioritizing policy over personality. Cruz is focused on judicial appointments, Senate committee work, and constitutional debates.
- He’s avoiding unnecessary drama. Engaging in a Trump-Kimmel feud would distract from his legislative goals.
- He’s keeping his options open. Whether Trump flames out or rides high, Cruz wants to be ready for 2028.
🧨 Comedy Corner: If Cruz Hosted His Own Late-Night Show
Title: “Ted Talks (But Not to Kimmel)”
Opening Monologue: “Welcome to the only late-night show filmed inside a Senate subcommittee. Tonight’s guest: a copy of the Federalist Papers and a guy who once voted against daylight saving time.”
Segment: “Constitutional Karaoke” – Cruz sings the Bill of Rights to the tune of “Sweet Caroline.” Audience is confused but claps politely.
Guest: Mike Pence. They discuss the theological implications of wearing khakis on a Tuesday.
📚 Sources
🧠 Final Thought
Ted Cruz’s silence on Trump’s Kimmel comments is less about cowardice and more about calculus. He’s trying to stay relevant without becoming a meme. In the age of viral politics, that’s harder than passing bipartisan legislation during a government shutdown.
Whether Cruz eventually claps back or continues his quiet constitutional crusade, one thing’s clear: the late-night spotlight isn’t going anywhere. And neither is Jimmy Kimmel’s roast game.