🏈🎤 “The All-American Halftime Show: When Patriotism Forgot Puerto Rico Was Part of America”
📢 Listen:
Turning Point USA’s “All-American Halftime Show” claims to be a patriotic alternative to Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance. But here’s the irony: Bad Bunny is American. This satirical essay explores how cancel culture, political branding, and geographic confusion turned a halftime show into a civics lesson.
🎬 Act I: The Halftime Show That Wants Its Country Back
So here we are. The Super Bowl is coming, and instead of arguing about commercials or nacho cheese viscosity, we’re debating whether Bad Bunny is American enough to headline a halftime show.
Enter: Turning Point USA’s “All-American Halftime Show.”
A counter-programming event allegedly designed to restore “traditional American values” to the halftime stage. Translation: fewer Spanish lyrics, more bald eagles, and possibly a monster truck named “Freedom Carl.”
A counter-programming event allegedly designed to restore “traditional American values” to the halftime stage. Translation: fewer Spanish lyrics, more bald eagles, and possibly a monster truck named “Freedom Carl.”
But here’s the kicker: Bad Bunny is American.
He’s from Puerto Rico, which has been a U.S. territory since 1898. That’s longer than most of your family’s loyalty to the Dallas Cowboys.
He’s from Puerto Rico, which has been a U.S. territory since 1898. That’s longer than most of your family’s loyalty to the Dallas Cowboys.
🗺️ Act II: Puerto Rico, The U.S. Territory That Gets Ghosted Every Four Years
Let’s break this down DMV-style, because here in Washington D.C., we know a thing or two about being ignored by the federal government.
Puerto Rico:
- Is a U.S. territory.
- Has U.S. citizens.
- Pays federal taxes.
- Can serve in the military.
- Can’t vote for president unless they move to a state.
So Bad Bunny can headline Coachella, get audited by the IRS, and be drafted into war—but he can’t vote for the guy who sends the troops. That’s like being invited to karaoke night but told you can’t sing because you’re too good.
🧠 Act III: The Patriotism Paradox
Turning Point USA’s branding of the “All-American Halftime Show” implies that Bad Bunny’s performance is somehow un-American. Which is wild, considering:
- He’s a U.S. citizen.
- He’s performed at American venues.
- He’s raised awareness for American disaster relief.
- He’s more popular in the U.S. than most politicians are in their own districts.
So what makes him “un-American”?
Apparently, singing in Spanish, wearing skirts, and being from a Caribbean island that doesn’t have a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently, singing in Spanish, wearing skirts, and being from a Caribbean island that doesn’t have a Cracker Barrel.
This isn’t patriotism. It’s selective nationalism—the kind that thinks “American” means “white, English-speaking, and preferably holding a bass guitar.”
📍 Act IV: DMV Area, Where Latin Music Is Life and Geography Is Understood
In the DMV, we know better. From Adams Morgan block parties to salsa nights in Silver Spring, Bad Bunny is basically the mayor of the aux cord.
So, when someone says, “Bad Bunny isn’t American,” DMV folks respond with:
- “You mean the guy who sold out Capital One Arena in 12 minutes?”
- “You mean the guy who helped raise millions for Hurricane Maria victims?”
- “You mean the guy whose lyrics are more politically aware than half of Congress?”
In D.C., we understand that being American isn’t about where you live—it’s about what you contribute. And Bad Bunny contributes more to culture than most of the people trying to cancel him.
🧨 Act V: The All-American Halftime Show, A Satirical Preview
Let’s imagine this “All-American Halftime Show” for a moment:
- Opening act: Kid Rock riding a bald eagle while chugging a Bud Light (ironically).
- Middle segment: Ted Nugent playing a guitar solo on top of a Ford F-150.
- Finale: A fireworks display spelling out “1776” while a choir sings “Sweet Home Alabama” in camo.
Meanwhile, Bad Bunny’s show features:
- Inclusive fashion.
- Bilingual lyrics.
- Messages about climate change, colonialism, and mental health.
So which one is more American?
The one that reflects the diversity, complexity, and contradictions of the country—or the one that pretends America stopped evolving after the invention of denim?
The one that reflects the diversity, complexity, and contradictions of the country—or the one that pretends America stopped evolving after the invention of denim?
🧠 Act VI: What We Should Be Talking About Instead
Instead of canceling Bad Bunny or creating counter-shows, maybe we should:
- Talk about Puerto Rico’s political status.
- Discuss disaster relief failures after Hurricane Maria.
- Address the lack of voting rights for millions of U.S. citizens in territories.
- Celebrate artists who use their platforms to raise awareness.
Bad Bunny isn’t the problem. He’s the mirror. And cancel culture doesn’t like what it sees.
🧹 Act VII: Patriotism Needs a Map
So here’s the final word for the “All-American Halftime Show” crowd: before you try to cancel someone, maybe check a map. Or a history book. Or literally any government website.
Bad Bunny is American. Puerto Rico is part of America. And creating a counter-show to “restore patriotism” by excluding a U.S. citizen is the most un-American thing you could do.
In the DMV, we know better. We dance to Bad Bunny, we vote (when allowed), and we understand that being American isn’t about where you live—it’s about what you stand for.
And Bad Bunny? He stands for a lot more than most of the people trying to cancel him.