Welcome to the Season of “Please Be Normal”

After a 7–10 finish in 2024, the Commanders are back with a vengeance—or at least a vengeance-adjacent energy. The offseason was filled with cryptic tweets, questionable trades, and one press conference where the mic cut out just as someone said “Super Bowl.”

New Leadership, Same Stadium

• Head Coach: Dan Quinn, the defensive mastermind who once led the Falcons to a Super Bowl and then... well, let’s not talk about that.
• Offensive Coordinator: Eric Bieniemy returns, still trying to turn screen passes into something that doesn’t feel like a group therapy session.
• Quarterback: Sam Howell is still QB1, still rocking the beard, and still trying to prove he’s not just a placeholder until the next draft.

Roster Rundown: DMV’s Finest (and Most Frustrating)

Offense: The Great DMV Experiment

• Sam Howell: Over 3,000 yards last season, which is impressive considering half of those were under duress.
• Brian Robinson Jr.: Bulldozing linebackers like they insulted his playlist.
• Terry McLaurin: Still the most consistent WR in the NFC East, and possibly the only one who hasn’t subtweeted his quarterback.

Breakout Candidate: Jahan Dotson, expected to leap into WR2 territory—or into the arms of fantasy football heartbreak.

Defense: The DMV’s Most Aggressive HOA Returns

• Chase Young: Healthy and reportedly bench-pressing small cars.
• Jonathan Allen & Daron Payne: Anchoring a defensive line legally classified as “rude.”
• Jamin Davis: Evolving into a linebacker who can cover tight ends and existential dread.

Defensive Goals: Fewer blown coverages, more sacks, and at least one pick-six that makes the crowd forget the plumbing issues.

Special Teams: The Forgotten Third Child

• Kicker Joey Slye: Still kicking field goals with the confidence of someone who’s never read Twitter replies.
• Punt return duties: TBD, but fans are hoping for fewer fair catches and more “wait, is he still running?”

Schedule Breakdown: The Road to 9 Wins and a Parade in Silver Spring

• Week 1 vs. Cowboys: The NFC East rivalry that’s older than your uncle’s fantasy football league.
• Week 5 @ Eagles: A chance to prove that birds aren’t scary.
• Week 9 vs. Giants: The battle of who can throw fewer interceptions.
• Week 17 @ Ravens: The DMV Bowl, where bragging rights come with crab cakes and passive-aggressive tweets.

Predicted Record: 9–8, with a wild card berth and one playoff game that ends in either glory or a meme.

Fan Expectations: Somewhere Between “Let’s Go!” and “Let’s Not”

Washington fans are famously loyal, perpetually hopeful, and emotionally resilient. After years of heartbreak, name changes, and stadium leaks, they’re ready for a team that doesn’t just show up—but shows out.

• A playoff berth (wild card counts, we’re not picky).
• A quarterback who doesn’t make you scream into a pillow.
• A defense that hits harder than D.C. traffic.

FedEx Field: Still Standing, Somehow

The stadium experience remains... unique. Between the occasional sewage leak and the parking lot that doubles as a maze, FedEx Field is still the only place where you can watch a touchdown and lose a shoe in the same quarter.

Rumored Upgrades: Better Wi-Fi, fewer rats, and a new nacho stand that doesn’t require a blood oath.

Final Thoughts: Hail to the Humor

The Commanders may not be Super Bowl favorites, but they’re definitely the most entertaining team in the DMV. Whether it’s a last-second win, a bizarre coaching decision, or a squirrel running across the field, Washington football never disappoints—at least not in the content department.

So grab your burgundy gear, prep your fantasy team, and get ready for a season of touchdowns, turnovers, and tweets that say, “I swear I’m done with this team.”