Your Wrist Is Watching

Smartwatches now monitor glucose, heart rate, and your shame levels. Washington D.C. fitness buffs are thrilled, but let’s be real—most of us just want to know if we burned enough calories to justify that jumbo slice.

Wearable health tech is booming. DMV gyms are integrating apps, and your watch now knows you skipped leg day.

Comedy Bits:

• Imagine a smartwatch sending passive-aggressive notifications: ‘Still sitting?’
• Next update: Smartwatch sighs audibly when you order fries.

If my watch can track my stress, it should also pay my therapy bill.