Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the only place on the internet where local politics feels less like C-SPAN and more like a family reunion where your uncle keeps trying to explain cryptocurrency. This is "This Week in DMV Dysfunction," the segment where we look at the Washington D.C., Maryland, and Virginia area and say, "Bless your heart."

This week, the entire region is buzzing. Literally. The cicadas are back. Broods XIII and XIX have emerged in a once-in-221-year event, a natural wonder that sounds like a lawnmower convention in a wind tunnel. According to The Washington Post, this dual emergence is a rare spectacle of nature’s grand, noisy design. And how has the DMV, the political epicenter of the free world, responded? With the kind of coordinated grace you’d expect from a toddler soccer game.

It’s a beautiful metaphor for our government, isn’t it? A massive, inescapable drone, a lot of frantic buzzing that accomplishes very little, and then they all disappear for 17 years, leaving a bunch of empty shells behind. It’s like watching Congress on summer break.

Bit 1: D.C.'s "Cicada Czar" – An Intern with a Broom

First up, Washington D.C. In a move that screams “we just remembered this was happening,” the city council allegedly debated appointing a "Cicada Czar." I’m not making this up. Okay, I am making this up, but does it sound that unbelievable? The real response has been a flurry of advisories from the D.C. Department of Health telling us cicadas are “harmless” and a “good source of protein.”

Thank you, Department of Health. While you’re worried about me eating the bugs, I'm more concerned about one flying into my mouth while I’m biking to work. That’s not a protein snack; that’s an airborne assault. You know who loves this? The birds. The squirrels. They’re eating like they just won a G-rated version of The Hunger Games. Meanwhile, humans are walking around with the kind of pained, flinching energy Sebastian Maniscalco has when he sees someone putting ice in their wine. We’re all just asking, "What are you doing?"

The city's official guidance is basically: "Embrace them." Embrace them? Have you heard them? It sounds like a car alarm that’s been going off since the Lincoln administration. It's the official soundtrack of government inefficiency. The best part is the tourists. They come to see the majestic monuments and instead get a face full of clumsy, screaming insects. Welcome to Washington, folks. Enjoy the shrimp of the sky.

Bit 2: Virginia's "Pro-Cicada" vs. "Anti-Cicada" Debate

Meanwhile, across the Potomac, Virginia is handling this with its trademark calm and measured… utter chaos. According to local news outlet WTOP, Northern Virginia is a major hotspot for the emergence. And it has sparked a genuine debate. On one side, you have the nature-lovers, the granola crowd who are like, "They're a miracle of the ecosystem! Their song is beautiful!" These are the same people who think kale tastes good without being forced to.

On the other side, you have… everyone else. The people who are trying to have a barbecue and it sounds like they’re hosting it on an airport runway. The folks whose dogs have now discovered "crunchy sky raisins" and won’t stop eating them. As reported by the Virginia Department of Forestry, the cicadas can damage young trees, leading to a new political divide: Big Orchard vs. Big Bug.

This is the perfect Virginia conflict. It’s suburban, it’s slightly absurd, and everyone has a very strong, very polite opinion about it. It’s like a homeowners’ association meeting but with more exoskeletons. You have people in Arlington trying to have a peaceful brunch while a million bugs engage in a desperate, noisy quest to find a mate. It's like a singles bar at last call, but with wings. And less dignity.

Bit 3: Maryland's Plan – Just Pave Over It?

And then there's Maryland. God bless Maryland. While D.C. is offering culinary tips and Virginia is locked in philosophical debate, Maryland's approach seems to be a collective shrug. Governor Wes Moore has been busy tackling big issues like the state budget and the Key Bridge reconstruction. According to the Governor's office press releases, cicadas haven’t exactly been top of the agenda.

And can you blame them? Maryland has seen it all. They look at the cicada apocalypse and go, "Cute. Try driving on the Beltway at 5 p.m." The state's unofficial motto should be, "Could be worse, could be traffic."

I picture the Maryland Department of Transportation just looking at the swarms and wondering if they can create a new toll lane for them. The "EZ-Pass Flying Insect Lane." You know it’s coming. For Marylanders, this isn’t a crisis; it’s just another Tuesday. A loud, crunchy Tuesday. They’re the Tom Segura of the DMV, looking at the chaos with a dry, deadpan acceptance. "Yeah, bugs are screaming. The world’s a mess. What's for dinner?"

The Punchline We All Saw Coming

So here we are, the three regions of the DMV, each with its own unique, dysfunctional response to a natural event that has been on the calendar for 221 years. D.C. is trying to turn it into a wellness trend. Virginia is turning it into a culture war. And Maryland is probably trying to figure out how to tax it.

It's the perfect snapshot of our regional politics. A complete lack of coordination, wildly different priorities, and a shared sense of bewildered annoyance. The cicadas will be gone in a few weeks, but this glorious dysfunction? That, my friends, is forever. And that's been "This Week in DMV Dysfunction." Goodnight, everybody. Try not to inhale any bugs on your way home.

Ready to turn this week's political dysfunction into a hilarious game? Create an interactive quiz about the DMV's cicada chaos with Nkahoot. Challenge your friends to see who knows the most about our region's absurdities. Visit Nkahoot to build your first game in minutes.